I was having a terrible time keeping myself on the straight-and-narrow. I had worked my way all the way up to the green Newbie Number Tag. I was close to being considered a real Christian but I was sinning all the time. I needed help.
I tried changing my habits. I tried changing my heart. I needed to get my life in order before I gave it Jesus. I didn’t think He wanted that sack of dirty rags I called my walk. I needed help, professional help. I didn’t trust the superficial nature of church relationships. How could the guy who cheated me on my insurance help get me closer to righteousness? I didn’t want to repeat that prayer after some rank amateur. When I repeated, I mimicked the one–the only–Apostle Prophet Stan Dean Dover.
He’s a real pro. I needed someone like him, a professional Christian, standing over me. Someone paid to watch my every move and make the necessary corrections in my behavior. That’s why I called Jesus Junk International and had a representative from the Got-Your-Back Tracker to come by and sign me up.
Jesus Junk International presents state-of-the-art accountability management. The Got-Your-Back Tracker is both a product and a service. The product side of this dynamic duo is a subdermal transponder.
In a relatively painless out-patient procedure, our transponder is placed in the center of the client’s forehead near the hairline. The transponder is undetectable and from that vantage point, it can
- Video monitor ambient surroundings
- Track global positioning
- Trace electromagnetic fields
- Record biometric feedback
What does this mean to the Got-Your-Back Tracker customer? It means accountability. Wherever you go, Got-Your-Back tracks you via GPS. Whatever you look at, GYB sees it. Whatever icon you decide to click on, GYB traces the URL. Finally, no matter how you feel, with the biometric feedback, GYB knows what you’re thinking. The Got-Your-Back Tracker doesn’t miss a thing.
The service component of the GYB Tracker is round-the-clock surveillance. Jesus Junk International has a trained staff of Ordained Behavior Pastors that analyze the data in real time as it is streaming from your forehead.
If the GPS feed shows you have strayed into a sketchy part of town, they spring into action hitting the accountability button. This triggers a mild but uncomfortable electric shock directly to your frontal lobe in 5-second intervals until you leave the prohibited area. It’s a no-brainer!!
Video stream shows you viewing questionable material–ZAPP!!! The Got-Your-Back Tracker cauterizes that vision right out of your head.
You click an unacceptable website–POW!!! Now you feel the tingle but it’s in your grey matter. Keep moving. Nothing to see here.
Get a little angry at the old boss–BAM!!! You anger just melts away in a low-voltage sizzle.
The Got-Your-Back tracker sees all, hears all and knows all. It’s like God, but with an electric jolt to the brain. Jesus Junk International can’t guarantee your heart will change but we will offer your money back if your behavior doesn’t. At the very least, the constant pounding of the accountability button’s electric shock guarantees your behavior will change.