Conference in a Carton

From the makers of Cathedral in a Can comes a groundbreaking development in church financial strategy, sure to go viral. Jesus Junk International believes Conference in a Carton is that strategy wrapped in cardboard box.

Pastors realize that tithes and offerings are declining. Members, or Giving Units as they’re called, want more bang for their buck these days. The standard church fiscal model simply will not sustain an acceptable customer-services-to-staff-amenities ratio.

We found out the hard way that bake sales, spaghetti dinners and raffles weren’t going to cover our monetary needs, shares Dr. Reverend Bishop Max Cashman.

Recently, on a lunch run to Chicago for pizza, I had to use my personal expenses account to top off the tank in the jet. Then two days later on the way to New York for cheesecake, I had to do it again. That’s when we knew we needed to create a premier level conference to draw in some extra giving units.

It’s the perfect solution. These giving units come for a long weekend and buy tickets, books, and valet parking vouchers and give offerings. Then they go home to their own churches hardly using  any customer services. We can staff these things with a handful of people. Can you say “day off?”

The key to success is in scheduling either big-name celebrity Christians or a top-level marketing firm to give your no-name speakers a big name persona.

That’s great for Pastor Cashman but what if my church doesn’t have the 5000 members that he has at THE First Mega Apostles Assembly of the Friendly Seekers Super Cell Group Church?

I cancelled my order of Cathedral in a Can for the first time in 15 years. With the success of our Conference in a Carton campaign, we’re building our own cathedral now, squealed Pastor Reuben Minor.

BoxThe brain trust at Jesus Junk International re-purposed several technologies to give life to the Conference in a Carton project. On the Conference order sheet you’ll find a list of the biggest names in Christianity. Select your speakers and let us manufacture your conference.

Taking cues from the Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus, we fabricate replicas of your Christian heroes from the finest polymer vinyl. We then add the internals from the Animatronic Bible Bullpen, giving your hand-washable and fully reusable faux presenter a voice and deductive reasoning. Pitch in an mp3 cache of the greatest sermon soundbites of 2012, a bicycle pump and an electric source, and you’re ready to sell tickets.

The only details left up to you are the dates and names of your conferences. One word names were popular a few years ago. However, now trending is including one member of the Trinity in your event name, such as Funpark Jesus, Fashionable God, Holy Spirit Carnival. The sky is the limit.

Do you go to conferences? Which one is your favorite? What would you name your conference?

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