Stuff Missionaries Say…

pig headsContext is a funny thing. It can change the very meaning of a phrase or conversation. The longer I live here in Paraguay, the more I realize what kind of stuff comes out of my mouth. Stuff I thought I would never hear myself say.

Crazy stuff.

Wacky stuff. 

Stuff, that in another culture or context, would likely get me in trouble. Maybe even detained. I decided to share some of these with you in what may end up becoming a series called Stuff Missionaries Say. These are things I have actually said.

Stuff Missionaries Say

Hang up the phone and get your oxcart out of the road!

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times. “You shouldn’t be allowed to talk or text on a cell and drive.  An Oxcart.  

When was this killed?

I just want to know if I need to marinade this meat in Lysol and scorch it or if I can go medium rare.

They‘re right by the pig heads in the big freezer.

If you’re looking for the cow tongues, chicken hearts and frozen French Fries, that’s where they are. Incidentally, you can buy an entire pig “kit” there. I can’t guarantee it will oink when assembled, but it will be complete. 

Our country is pretty big. That’s why I don’t know your neighbor’s nanny’s brother’s kid who lives 9 states away from where I lived.

Paraguay is an uncanny place. Though it is the size of California with a population of nearly seven million, people know each other all over the place. They can’t seem to grasp that we don’t even know our next door neighbors in the U.S.

Really? Hm. So you can put live farm animals right in the luggage compartment under the bus? Good to know.

I was nervous about the really odd noises the bus was making until we stopped and the man up front retrieved his three goats and a sheep from the belly compartment. Whew. I thought something weird was happening.

Go twist the fluorescent light bulb and see if we can pick up the game on the TV.

What you do is take a four-foot fluorescent tube and tape it to a long stretch of bamboo. Then you split your antenna wire in the middle and make a T taping it to the bulb. Then you get a kid to hold the bamboo and spin it till you can see through the fuzzy analog snow on channel 4. Make a sandwich and cold beverage and enjoy.

Have you ever heard something come out of you mouth and thought “That was looney”? Does context matter to the things you say?

11 thoughts on “Stuff Missionaries Say…

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    1. I like where you’re going with that mask thing but you are suppose to cook it and eat it. Some folks make a dish with lots of vinegar and hot peppers and let it soak “cooking” in in the acid of the vinegar. It’s actually not heated at all. Sort of a pickled pigs foot from the other end.


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