Animatronic Bible Bullpen

Imagine you’re sitting in church on a pristine Sunday morning and the pastor just delivered a fantastic message. He really touched on some subjects you needed to hear today and the bonus: he finished 15 minutes early. You’re gonna be the first in line at the Sizzler. Now you won’t miss out on the chili and cheese at the potato bar. It’s shaping up to be a great day.

But wait, what’s he doing? He’s stammering around tripping over his words like a three-legged dog on roller skates.  For the next 20 minutes you watch in horror as visions of your dream tater slip away. He’s struggling to make the altar call. He’s fumbling through the announcements. He can’t stick a fork in it and call it done. AAAAHHHHH!

He just.




Who among us hasn’t sat through the excruciating experience of a minister unschooled in the fine art of the close? What do you do when your pastor preaches like a champ and closes like a chump?

You get him the Animatronic Bible Bullpen. Jesus Junk International hears the cries of your potato paradise lost. The Animatronic Bible Bullpen is a three dimensional humanoid associate pastor that, when called upon, files in and wraps up the service. Like the baseball term bullpen implies, the ABB is a closing specialist built for the fail to close issue and not to be confused with The Sunday Lunch Sniper‘s solution for long windedness.

Each ABB runs on the Android OS with an intuitive touchscreen built right in the tummy, just like the Teletubbies. Simply lift his shirt and poke in your instructions. That’s not weird! The ABB listens to the sermon, homing in on keywords and using them in a proprietary algorithm to formulate the perfect closing monologue. You just sit back and listen.

The best part about the Animatronic Bible Bullpen is each unit is custom built in the Ginsu labs to strict Jesus Junk specifications allowing you to select any number of celebrity look-alikes to close your Sunday service.

  • Can you imagine the Terminator inviting guests to return next week with a hearty “I’ll be back.”
  • Why not have Lou Diamond Phillips, as Ritchie Valens, put a bow on the Hispanic service with a rousing rendition of “La Bamba.”
  • Who could resist the stoic Morpheus offering us the chance to take the red pill at the altar today?

Have you ever suffered through a failure to close moment? Which cyber-celebrity would you like to close out your service? Why?

2 thoughts on “Animatronic Bible Bullpen

Add yours

  1. Why the touchscreen? Since Android supports NFC and Apple doesn’t, I feel it should really shoehorn into that for some reason.

    The only downside I see to this is that it might get people in the mood to go to Chuck E Cheese for post-church lunch instead of the Sizzler.


    1. We were thinking of using the (N)ear (F)ield (C)ommunication abilities to allow the congregation to send their prayer request to the ABB for inclusion in the close.

      To be completely transparent Chuck E. Cheese is a sponsor but that didn’t effect the outcome of this product.


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