I decided to break my soft rule of not writing about the issue du jour. As the FA LA LA LA LA’s crescendo and the Who chefs baste their roast beast, Christmas is peeping through a gap in the mini-blinds. It caught my attention. I wanted to know why it was out there trampling my flower beds and generally skulking around.
It’s planning to pounce on us. It sneaks in and takes our sound mind and makes it crazy. We begin to contradict ourselves. It stands and mocks us for the whole month of December. While under its influence we undo a year’s worth of work. The very life we lived for eleven months is made a caricature. In an effort to forewarn you, my dear reader, I have put together this list.
6 Christmas Contradictions
We encourage our children to talk to strangers.
We spend the whole year telling them NOT to talk to strangers and then we shove them in front of every red-coated old man we can find, to tell their secrets.
We force our kids into “picture time” with someone in a mask.
We bore into them for months that if they don’t feel safe, they should just tell us. Then we can’t figure out why they scream through the photo shoot with jolly old Saint Nick and his green-skinned, pointy-eared alien friend. I mean who doesn’t love sitting in the lap of a strange adult wearing a fat suit with a fake beard hiding his face.
We teach our family that breaking and entering really isn’t a crime.
Someone wearing protective padding and hiding his face enters your home at night without your knowledge. From January to November that joker is a crook and can be legally put down by Granny Clampet with her squirrel gun. But in December, he is Father Christmas, here to bless our home with a bounty. Who breaks in to leave stuff? Think about it, people.
We decide that fat is where it’s at.
For the previous 334 days of the year thin is in. Be fit. Get lots of exercise. Eat heart healthy. Then we condone jamming our faces with cookies and hot chocolate every ten minutes all night long because Santa does it. Why do you think his belly shook like jelly? He was labeled a solid on his last cholesterol test.
We play the shell game with baby Jesus.
We say Jesus is the reason for the season but the bank statements and credit card bills say otherwise. Jesus ain’t getting His cut. Santa is the reason for this treason. It’s this time of year when we don’t have a spare dime to feed the bell ringer but we manage to juggle those low interest cards for little Johnny’s laptop, PS3 and high-speed connection for a year. It reminds me of what Benjamin Franklin said:
“A penny spent on credit is 2 ½ cents by January.”
Or something like that.
We tell our little ones it’s OK to make lots of nonsense words.
We spend the better part of their childhood telling them to stop making unintelligible noises. Speak, Son. Stop grunting and screeching. Use your words. Christmas rolls around and we’re all falalalala-ing and wassailing and God-only-knows what else.
There you have it. Six ways Christmas makes us contradict ourselves. I know there are more than six.
How does Christmas make you contradict yourself? Do you wassail? If you do wassail, does it hurt?
BTW, is anybody getting multiple copies in their reader or email? Email me