Eutychus Sermon Alarm

I know you are used to seeing the Photo Friday post here today. I have decided to put the Photo Friday post on a periodic rotation. It will be back on maybe a monthly basis. If you would like to see more of it drop me an email and let me know.


Recently, Jesus Junk International released the Save-My-Seat Inflatable Jesus to critical acclaim. However, in the midst of the cork popping and back slapping came a plea. A plea for help from the huddled masses. One crying out in the wilderness, saying, “Can you keep them awake?”

From the comments:

We are also moving from folding chairs to padded seats, we might start having a problem with dozers. I will look to see if Jesus Junk has a product to help our congregation stay awake.  —Kris, tandem bike rider, blogger and avid Barba supporter.

Thanks Kris, and emphatically, “YES, we do.” Jesus Junk International, in conjunction with the Sleepless in the Sanctuary consortium is proud to present the Eutychus Sermon Alarm.

Sure, the pastor thinks that all that head bobbing is vigorous agreement, and it is. Everyone is agreeing that they can’t keep their eyes open. The problem here is multifaceted. One, the sermon isn’t spry enough to keep everyone on their spiritual toes. There is nothing to volley within your soul to combat the evil sand man and his minions. Two, the pastor’s voice takes on a dull drone somewhere in the vicinity of Ben Stein. Three, the pastor thinks that the head-bobbers are on board with his monologue so he goes long, magnifying the problem. It’s a horrible cycle that must be stopped.

For the monotony of the robotic voice, we gave you The Apostle’s Power Reverb. For the confidence-charged surge in sermon length, we gave you The Sunday Lunch Sniper. Today, we introduce the Eutychus Sermon Alarm to stave off the bobbing-head crisis facing the modern church.

Gone is the rising cost of insurance stemming from foreheads bruised on the pew in front of you. Put an end to embarrassing bulletin wrinkles on your face. Stop drool stains from ruining the new carpet in the sanctuary. Eliminate the plaguing danger of balcony seats that pit man against gravity. The Eutychus Sermon Alarm saves the janitorial crew the nasty job of cleaning you off the baptistry.

There have been other products on the market that mimic the Eutychus but none specifically designed to maintain your safety and consciousness in church. It’s a sort of digital vigilante. The Eutychus Sermon Alarm hangs on your ear much like a hearing aid. It uses GPS satellite technology to triangulate the position of your head. In the event your head bobs more than 30 degrees, more than two times in succession the alarm will sound in your ear. This ensures that should you agree with the sermon, you can acknowledge it without a loss of hearing.

With five alarm settings, there is sure to be one effective in waking you. Choose from:

  • A man falling from a third story window (default)
  • Your mom saying you’re late for school
  • Morgan Freeman as God, saying, “Depart from me…”
  • A recording of your neighbor, Little Iggy and his Scream-o band
  • One open, user-selected custom channel

Order yours today and stay awake till the closing prayer. Never again stumble over questions about the sermon or be embarrassed by an empty fill-in-the-blank bulletin. Pick up your Eutychus Sermon Alarm today. As always, there is a discount for group or bundle purchases from Jesus Junk International.

Do you, or someone you know, have a problem with drowsiness in church? What would your custom alarm tone be?

6 thoughts on “Eutychus Sermon Alarm

Add yours

  1. Does this work in homes, too? For teenagers who don’t want to get up for school?

    Is that allowed? Can I get a ruling, brother Ken?


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