Mysterious Life

I was thinking the other day about this life we live. It’s a crazy, mixed up thing, you know? No matter where you turn there are unexplained occurrences. Things that, even with a full complement of techno-goodies and Apple gear we still can’t figure out. Below I give you some of life’s mysteries:

The speed at which that darling little baby goes from powder fresh to hot garbage simmered in fish juice.  Incredible!! It takes a mere nano-second. One minute Baby Coos-A-Lot smells like a crisp spring morning and BAM!! Your olfactory sensors are assaulted by some putrid otherworldly tang.

You can watch a pot for 6 hours and the second you turn your head it boils over. This happened to me constantly when we first moved here. We got raw milk from down the street so we had to boil it before use.  Milk, once it reaches its boiling temp, instantly rises to the top of the pot like a 4th grade vinegar volcano. The entire gallon vaporizes at once. Blink your eyes and it’s all over the kitchen– hot, crusty milk drying and spoiling on everything.

The tank of gas always runs out with a house full of people waiting for a late meal. We have a LP gas stove. It uses a tank like those for a gas grill. The stove is nice and big and fairly thrifty on the consumption. A tank will last for about a month. However, the moment we have a group of people over and we suddenly realize that it’s 2pm and no one has eaten lunch, the tank doles out just enough gas to get the food smelling good then poops out. The house is scented with gourmet goodness, everyone is slobbering with hunger and I come traipsing through the house with the tank in hand for a 45 minute round-trip to fill ‘er up.

There is never toilet paper in the restroom of a Mexican restaurant. This is less mysterious and more like sage advice. If you’re going for the all-you-can-eat Tamale platter with extra Jalapeños then pack your own paper. You’ve been warned. Don’t call 911 claiming to be trapped in stall two at 3 Amigos.

You have enough cell signal to receive a text but not enough to send a reply. For real Mr. Cell-Engineer, you could develop a phone with the push-me, pull-you technology from Dr. Doolittle. If that guy has an animal with a head at both ends worked out maybe you should talk to him. If I can get one I can send one. It can’t be that hard.

Why do they call them “fun size” candy bars? They’re not fun. They’re un-American and they should be illegal. Here’s the concept—I make something totally yummy that makes you willing to punch an elderly person. Then, I give you…….LESS of it. Yeah that sounds fun. I propose we pressure our congressmen to make legislation against this ridiculous aberration. This “fun size” travesty is countercultural and it must be stopped.

People advertising weight loss gimmicks never need them. No, I get it. You want me to think that I WILL look like those people from using your junk. Listen, I could drink 3,000 of your shakes or spend nine months on that Electro-AbSmasher and I will never look like Jillian Michaels of Biggest Loser fame. First, we have totally different bone structure. I’m very big-boned and she is not. Second, I’m a dude. Some would say go with that first. If she had less muscle mass, maybe I would have.

So, there you have it, a few of life’s mysteries as I see them. This is by no means an exhaustive list. These were just the ones that I selected using the definitive scientific methods available to me. Maybe I will come back later and fill in a few more.

How about you and your life? Any mysteries there? Share them in the comments.

10 thoughts on “Mysterious Life

Add yours

  1. Here are a few:
    1. When you are running five minutes late for an appointment, you will get behind every Susie or Sam Slow-Poke on the road and have to stop at every stop light and end up 20 minutes late. If you leave five minutes early, you rarely hit any traffic and fly through green lights to arrive 20 minutes early.

    2. Kids can hear your whispered conversation in Pig Latin with your spouse behind closed doors in your bedroom about going to a movie or out for ice cream, but if you are standing right in front of them telling them they need to do a chore, they are suddenly deaf/blind/mute.

    3. How LEGOs can infiltrate every room of the house and manage to be right where you want to take a step. With the sharp side up.


  2. I’m with you on the candy bars…there’s nothing fun about those. Reminds me of the quote from O Brother, Where Art Thou? “One third of a gopher would only arouse my appetite without bedding it down.”


  3. Why do they call it taking a poop if you are really leaving it?

    Why do we have to pay for water and air?

    Why can’t women go to the bathroom alone?


  4. Here’s a mystery I’ve yet to “unravel:” somehow my five year-old little sweetie can use the, ahem, facilities, and subsequently make use of the paper–all without actually, you know, tearing it off the roll!

    So, it’s flush! And zzzzz! goes the paper as it unspools off the roll. And sometimes the toilet will clog, too. Is that “winning?”

    Also, here’s one

    Why do the ladies ask us husbands if “these jeans make my butt look fat?” How can we even begin to answer that?


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