Over the last few days the Barba has been cyber traveling a little. Satruday I had an article featured over at Provoketive.com and yesterday the ever-smiling and overworked Tamara Lunardo ised a guest post of mine at Tamara Out Loud. Not wanting to rest there I give you Everyday Lies:
We all want to believe we are honest, upstanding individuals. We want the world to think we are little Jesuses wondering around looking for someone to be The Truth to. The problem is we are all party to a series of Everyday Lies that tarnish our image.
What are Everyday Lies, you ask? These are things that show up in the everyday walk of life that, for one reason or another, are complete lies, and we support them. Some we support actively and others we just stamp our approval with our inaction.
This is in no way an exhaustive list. I have compiled it as a means to steer you in your quest to identify and eradicate these Everyday Lies.
One Size Fits All
Do I really need to explain this? I must because the makers of hospital gowns still can’t manage to understand. For their product, the tag should read “One size fits all if you like for your butt to hang out.” These are the same people who provided me with that Tyvek suit I wore into the birthing room. I looked like someone took Herman Munster and made a hot dog out of him. Sleeves too short, legs too short, zipper as tight as a piano string and the blood cut from all of my extremities. “Get that guy a bigger jumpsuit, Stat!”
Stretch pants. Sure they call them “stretch” but there is a critical mass to elongating them. Any further will result in the destruction of the solar system. Rule of thumb: If you look like you have a dark gray tan when you put them on, put them in the garbage disposal.
I have read and understood the terms and conditions for the use of _______ and agree.
I know you didn’t read it but you check the box anyway. I did it, too. It doesn’t matter if this is for software on your computer or for permission to use the ski lift at the slopes, you and I click or sign this without giving a second thought to perusing the War and Peace-sized document in question. The same thing happened to Abraham once when he made a deal with God. He just clicked and agreed. Some years later his lawyer is saying, “I’m sorry man. It looks like He’s got you right here, you agreed. You gotta go and butcher your son and cook him over an open flame.” Thank goodness for Isaac’s sake there was more to it than met Abraham’s eye.
Anything following the phrase “If I’m elected…”
Seeing that the election cycle is in full swing I thought I would include this. I know it’s cynical but election promises clearly fall into the Everyday Lies category. And as for resolutions on the ballot, see the above lie.
Twilight is good.
I loathe that I need to put this on the list. It should be common knowledge that the books or the movies are, in fact, really bad. The thing is that I still see a ground swell of support for these cash grabs. It’s cool if you like them but don’t try to convince me of the literary quality of the series. People still watch Lifetime and Hallmark channels, too. The best part of this vampire romance series, aside from its end, is the marketing. They took a middle-school drama transcribed from text messages and check-yes-or-no notes and captured millions. Hooray for Hollywood. The next venture for these media frenzy geniuses is harvesting dog turds to sell in third-world nations. Based on the success of Twilight, you can never have enough crap lying around.
Incredible deals found in your spam box
I know. Let me guess, nobody believes in those scams. Really? Then why do I, almost daily, get a group email from someone in my address book with nothing more than a link? Are there really that many hackers out there that they have now compromised the accounts of every single internet user on planet Earth? Or, could it be, you just couldn’t resist the spectacular deal you were offered by GiveUsAllYourInfoSoWeCanRobYou.com. Stop clicking that garbage.
Green card Lottery
To all of my Latino friends, there is no Green Card Lottery. I know what the ad says but it just doesn’t work like that. Enter the U.S. with one of those and you will win the lottery. The grand prize is an all-expense-paid trip back to your house in your country. It’s a lie.
How ‘bout you, you got anymore Everyday Lies? Help stop the epidemic by posting them in the comments.