The Sunday Lunch Sniper

You’re sitting in a Sunday morning church service, it’s 11:50 and the guest speaker nonchalantly announces

“I have to hurry to cover these next three bullet points.”

Wait, what?! Three more points? He’s 45 minutes in with only one point under his belt? There are no more blanks on my sermon notes.

I know what you’re thinking:

What are we going to do? We can’t just get up and walk out people will notice. I’ve already sent the text for call-ahead seating. Golden Corral will be packed before we get out of here. Everywhere is going to be packed before we get out of here. Three points left, they may be out of food. Whose idea was it to have this guy on a Sunday morning?

Not to worry, Jesus Junk International hears your stomach grumbling and we have answers. We have partnered with the Atomic Clock Foundation and the DartMore Sharp Shooters to bring you the Sunday Lunch Sniper.

The Sunday Lunch Sniper is ever vigilant of the clock and of long winded preachers. Not to worry–the speaker is safe. The Sunday Lunch Sniper uses a sedative-packed dart patented by the folks over at Second Chance Safari. If it will keep a rhino down long enough for a photo it’ll keep Sir Talks-A-Lot at bay long enough to hit the parking lot.

Strategically placed in the baptistery, the sound booth or the nursery peep window, our fully-trained Sniper makes use of the natural cover in these areas to keep from being detected. Often called the nursery worker’s best friend, the Sunday Lunch Sniper is not restricted to the realm of Pastor Talksmore.

He is fully prepared to dispatch the worship leader who closes out service as a “repeat-the-chorus offender.” If Songbird Sam crosses that imaginary 12 o’clock line in the sand by fading into the 15th repeat of “How He Loves”, the Sunday Lunch Sniper springs into action. He salvages your spot in the buffet line with pinpoint accuracy. And, as an added benefit, Songbird Sam wakes feeling completely refreshed from his… nap.

No more warmed over blue plate specials, no more missed “fellowship” time; get the desert you want while it’s still available. Call the Sunday Lunch Sniper today and put an end to “Sorry, we’re all out.”

The Sunday Lunch Sniper

Putting you at the head of the line!

Don’t forget the mix and match 25% off offer from Jesus Junk International on goods and services.

18 thoughts on “The Sunday Lunch Sniper

Add yours

  1. HA. I’m a little quick to pull the trigger on stuff, so I’m guessing sermons wouldn’t start lasting more than 10 minutes. Maybe I could use this in class, too…


  2. Used to have a pastor who was famous for saying: ten more minutes. This would always mean: Get ready to microwave because I am about to go for another hour. This item would have saved a lot of taste buds.


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