Questionable God:5 ?’s I’m Saving



Is God questionable? I mean is HE able to be questioned? I was reading a book and in it the author wrote the sentence, “We all have questions we are saving for God.” I started thinking about what questions I had tucked away in that special place reserved for God. Those things that would burst from my mouth the instant I crossed over into heaven; the kinds of inquiries that couldn’t be corralled until after I got my mansion. Burning questions that must be answered before trudging off to fish the Crystal River.

I have tried to narrow my scope to five. These things are the stuff that keeps me up at night.

  1.      If women want to attract men by using a perfume or fragrance, why do they use floral scents? I don’t know a man alive who, when catching the wafting aroma of petunias, thinks “I must find the source of that divinity.” I have never been drawn to flower smells. Ladies, if you want to get a man’s attention dab a little Char-grilled meat on your pulse points. That’s right; a man is slave to the barbeque. Grill some meat, maybe kabobs, and let the succulent smells of open-air cooking seep into your pores. Then sit back and watch the fellas come a runnin’.
  2.     Why can’t I open a bag a cereal? You know, I open the box just fine but then there’s this plastic bag inside made from recycled aircraft carriers. No matter how I pull that thing it explodes with the force of an atom bomb sending whatever class of breakfast wonder I purchased, to the farthest reaches of my home. I know what you’re thinking–scissors. HA! Something in the molecular structure of the bag causes it to convert into basically plasticized toilet tissue when touched by scissors. If I cut the bag it will inevitably begin to form fissures in every direction dumping the contents of my crunchy delight into the box where on my next visit I find considerably-less-crunchy delight.
  3. Why is there always just enough milk left NOT to make what I want? I could buy a tanker truck of milk, park it in the yard and start to make pancakes, only to find that entire truck as dry as the Mojave Desert. I could buy a cow, stuff it with the finest grasses known to man and give it a squeeze just to find a dairy dust cloud forming.
  4. Why does something infinitely better and cheaper come out 11 seconds after I leave the store with my purchase? It doesn’t matter what it is, I buy it and one with fifty more features at 125% off is being put on display as I leave. It’s like I buy an iPad and it turns into an 8-track player right before my eyes. I buy a wide-screen laptop and it turns into an abacus. I buy an Armani suit and it turns into Sears Tough Skins and a family reunion t-shirt. The moment my cash makes the exchange to the clerk my purchase is made obsolete by the next great thing.
  5. Why is there always a 1000-year-old man with an aversion to 30 mph driving directly in front of me when I’m late? It doesn’t matter what lane I’m in or how I NASCAR my way through traffic, Millennium Man is always in front. It’s as if there is a time-space continuum in front of my car. Like some sort of destined-to-be-late wormhole that sucks the delay driver up front to block my progress. It turns into a vehicular version of the movie Groundhog Day. I keep passing the same guy just to catch up to… the same guy. Get him off the road.

That’s what I have lined up for the Creator of the Universe when I get to heaven. Tough ones to be sure but He can handle it. Oh yeah, I forgot. Why couldn’t my Granny live long enough to meet my kids?


How about you, you got any questions you’re saving for God?

16 thoughts on “Questionable God:5 ?’s I’m Saving

Add yours

  1. Hmm… How about this: Why are there two types of doors (push and pull)? Is it really necessary to make those of us who can’t read look like fools?


  2. Why can’t I urinate out of one of my toes? Would be much more discreet, and I wouldn’t need to search for a restroom ever. The pinky toe would do. I mean its not like its a make or break toe….


  3. If #5 is a problem don’t EVER visit the Phoenix metropolitan area anytime between January and April, especially Mesa, which is retirement mobile home paradise. And of course, it doesn’t have the greatest public transportation system.

    My question is why do I always run across things when I don’t need them, but can’t find them for the life of me when I do need them? I have this theory that there are mini-black holes traveling around each house that temporarily suck the needed item into oblivion only to spit them out again when you don’t need it again. They especially love socks and writing implements. And currently, crochet hooks.


  4. Why do woman seem to eat toilet paper? How could you let the tele tubbies happen? Did you mean for farts to be funny? Just a few I could ask.


    1. The toilet paper I have no clue. Teletubbies, I want to know that one too. As for farts, I have a long held belief that they are God’s greeting cards. Just one will put a smile on everyone’s face.

      Good ones.


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