The Harmonic Translator

Jesus Junk International, makers of such unforgettable products as CoverAll, The Jesus Jacket and the Construct-A-Christ franchises has done it again. This time a synergistic collaboration with the Center for Hymnal Preservation and Jukebox Jesus Jams, LLC has culminated in what could be called the single most important piece of electronic peace-making equipment in church history. The Harmonic Translator.

Were you opposed to the name change over at THE First Mega Apostles Assembly of the Friendly Seekers Super Cell Group Church? And now the new format has you livin’ on a prayer, what with its praise and worship choruses, its rewrites and adaptations of pop/rock ditties, and a total absence of hymnals in the sanctuary.  You think it’s the end of the world as we know it and that it’s time to take a stand. REMember there’s no need to get hot blooded and cry do you really want to hurt me to the deacon board. I know you want to tell the new worship leader to beat it because you think she’s that kind of girl. Truthfully, it’s just the new sensation, even if it is in excess.

Not to worry. The Harmonic Translator is your friend.

Now, whenever your praise band’s remake of “Stairway to Heaven” leaves you feeling like you’re on the highway to Hell just plug The Harmonic Translator into your ears and set the selector to “John Wesley”. It doesn’t matter if they wanna rock and roll all night or party every day it will be transformed into the dignified drone of hymnal bliss for you listening pleasure. Every song can sound like an ode to “Paradise City.” Never again will the screeching of distorted electric guitars deafen your hunger for a saucy four-part presentation. Rotate your Harmonic Translator’s tone control to the “Bill Gaither” filter and sit back to hear the rich bass tones and crisp twang of tenor ring in your ears. The Harmonic Translator has a variety of choices sure to please even the most discerning audiophile.

How do you cope when some long-haired, unshaven Philistine ambles on stage like he fell out of his love shack with his Jezebel in tow, to belt out some home-written acoustic travesty? Your ears are hungry like a wolf for something acoustic yet steeped in tradition. Satiate them with the “Ricky Skaggs” bluegrass button on your Harmonic Translator.

An additional bonus to The Harmonic Translator is the proprietary programming that went into its volume control system. Even if Sound Guy at your church sets the volume at Richter Scale Mount Saint Helens, the patented Cotton Whisper volume filter will pass on only the faintest of murmurs to your delicate hearing.

There’s no time to waste. Bust a move on over to Rambling with the Barba, the exclusive retailer of Jesus Junk. You, too, could save your church from deciding to have service with or without you. Besides, if all we really want is to hear our heavenly Father say, “Sweet child of mine,” buy The Harmonic Translator and we can all just get along?

This just in- The Harmonic Translator, TOO. Designed for the hemp wearing, emergent goatee model of a youth pastor trapped somewhere in the vast rural expanse trying to explain his VeeNeck to the Elders. If you plan to attend that white wedding at the end of time but still haven’t found what you’re looking for in your church music, there’s The Harmonic Translator, TOO. It will keep you footloose in your walk. Conveniently programmed with filters from David Crowder band, Hillsong, Lacrae, and Demon Hunter.

Whether it’s The Harmonic Translator or The Harmonic Translator, TOO when your Grandma gives you the look buy her one. It will thrill ‘er.

11 thoughts on “The Harmonic Translator

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  1. I’m sure that many people will see your words as a bunch of Dirty Deeds, but I know better. You are using TNT to blow up the old maxims of how church is done. Sure there may be people who Jump off of the bandwagon, but they should know that they are Wanted Dead or Alive by Christ and his grace. If they’ll just read this blog, they’ll soon be Knockin on Heaven’s Door and they’ll lose all their Sympathy for the Devil.

    Soon the hymnal people will be saying I Wanna Hold Your Hand with the P&W people…who knows we might even start a Revolution because they’ll have Something to Believe In. I think we’re all on Life’s Railway to Heaven, but I just happen to be riding on the Crazy Train.


  2. Love it! Here is my attempt:

    If your ear drums are under pressure from the church’s speakers set to 11, then you just gotta have faith that the Harmonic Translator will give you the freedom to worship your father figure in your own unchained melody.


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