“We were having trouble drawing customers, uh, congregants,” confides Pastor Sizemore. “The hip new church crowd just isn’t interested in the tiny little building we’re in.”
At Jesus Junk International we have compassion for The Little Guy. Those up-and-comers who haven’t gotten there yet. We understand that every new upstart church plant can’t afford the plush worship accommodations that today’s discerning church shopper is seeking.
Today’s micro-ministries can’t match amenities with the likes of THE First Mega Apostles Assembly of the Friendly Seekers Super Cell Group Church. They have the laser light show and the fog machine during worship. They use 5 giant cinema-quality widescreens linked with the patented Child-in-Chains nursery care security system. The youth sanctuary alone just had a multi-million dollar renovation to update the 3D virtual-reality gaming hologram room. While Jesus saves a few souls, you can save the Princess. The small-time Shepherd needs a big way to grab some of that attention.
What’s a pastor to do?
Fumigate his entire facility with a liberal fog of Cathedral in a Can.
Cathedral in a Can is a nontoxic solution to your church’s miniscule ministry environment. It is the culmination of years of research in human perception. When breathed, Cathedral in a Can enters the central nervous system and causes a peripheral shift in the brain’s ability to process visual data. Colors are more vibrant, the subject’s depth perception is enlarged and their overall feeling of goodwill climbs.
Jesus Junk International stumbled upon the ground-breaking experimentation of these compounds in sealed reports from the 60’s and 70’s. The most notable accounts are those revealing the origin of this class of ecclesiastical hallucinogenic in the Woodstock region of the New York country side. Initially it was code-named the Jesus Movement. Today it has been perfected into the Apostle’s airborne friend, Cathedral in a Can.
Easily retrofitted to automated aerosol deodorizers, Cathedral in a Can allows the Strip Mall Sermonizer to maximize his space. Now church visitors can experience a time-released evangelical euphoria. Couple these harmless gases with one of our Rooms on a Roll wallpaper murals and heighten the effects of Cathedral in a Can.
Imagine walking into your rent-free make-shift sanctuary/aerobics room at the YMCA, senses ablaze with Cathedral in a Can coursing through your veins and seeing our St. Petersburg Basilica wall mural. WOW!!!
Suddenly you have the biggest church in town. Who in his right mind would leave a church like that? Can you say, “Regular tithes”? I thought so.
Take advantage of the Cathedral in a Can expansion pack and get a case of aerosol cans and your choice of 3 wall mural holo-rooms at a 25% discount. As always mix and match group discounts on other Jesus Junk International products.
Cathedral in a Can: Because every church can’t afford to be a big show.
Is Church a building to you? Is your spiritual experience proportional to your building or congregation size?