The Church Card

Do you put in more time at church than you do at work? What with all the services, events, meetings, and potlucks. What’s worse is that church doesn’t even respect your weekend like your job does! Don’t you wish that church had a time card like your job does, where you could punch in, pull your time and then punch out? It would be nice to fulfill your weekly requirements and not feel guilty for missing something. Well, now you can with the Church Card. Take a look at this testimonial.

 “Thank God for Jesus Junk International. I was one missed playoff game away from dumping the whole Christian thing, when along comes the Church Card. It saved my walk with the Savior by giving me a way to cash in my Messiah Miles.  Our pastor kept adding services and meetings and small groups and activities and conferences and–whew! I was beginning to feel like a fool and look like a lunatic to the people at work. I had nothing to add to the break-room banter about “Glee” because it had been so long since I’d had time for the tv. Don’t even mention sports! When my co-worker invited me to his house for a Super Bowl party and I asked who was playing, he responded with “Nevermind.”  Church nearly ruined my life until I started making use of the Church Card.”

Make the Most of your Messiah Miles

Leave it to Jesus Junk International to develop an efficient way to track your Messiah Miles and then  maximize them for full redeemability. Messiah Miles are a way to reclaim a portion of the time you spend at church and trade it for free time for leisure activities. Each day you spend at church, even in something like cutting the grass, gets logged onto your Church Card account as Messiah Miles.

What this means is you won’t miss that great NFL matchup coming this Sunday. You need only to run down to the Wednesday night service and the Saturday morning men’s breakfast so you can accumulate enough Miles to cover your absence on game day. He. Could. Go. All. The. Way!

But that’s not all! We’ve enhanced the entire Church Card structure with the promotional genius of a pyramid scheme. Now, for each participant you sign up under the umbrella of your plan you gain a small percentage of their miles to use as your own. It’s called the Discipleship Down-Time Initiative.

When these folks attend a service you get time off for good behavior. Without you they would have never started going to your church, after all.  It’s like double dipping without the chance for contracting Hepatitis A. The beauty of this is YOU don’t even have to be there to earn more time off. Imagine gliding across the lake in your pontoon boat on a crisp Sunday morning while, at the same time, logging Messiah Miles to use for the Renaissance re-enactment festival  the following weekend.


The greatest benefit to the Discipleship Down-Time Initiative is the 1 Corinthians 11:1 clause. When Paul said “Follow me as I follow Christ” he had no idea what that would mean to Church Card holders. Under this clause any time you spend with one of your “Disciples” can be converted to Miles and tracked on our system. That buddy at work who needs Jesus but also has box seats for this week’s tournament could really benefit from some “Down-Time” with you. Just scan the two cards at the stadium and let us handle the rest. And don’t forget to point out the hand-written poster of John 3:16 so your friend will feel he has been evangelized.

Like many other programs miles can be purchased on an as-needed basis. You need to catch up on your Soaps? No problem, just drop a healthy roll in the plate when it passes by and take the next couple of weeks off.

Sign up today and receive a free outfit for your savior from Construct-A-Christ in your team’s colors, plus a 15% discount on a Jesus Jacket.

 Does your church have a jammed packed schedule? Do you feel like you have to be at every event?

6 thoughts on “The Church Card

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  1. LOVE this satrical piece (and related ones). So true. At one church I used to go to the Pastor tried to have one weeknight not have ANY church functions so that we could all be home with family. And it was VERY HARD to accomplish with ~80 ministries at our church. And some folks are overcommitted to their church, perhaps to the detriment of thier family and relationship with Jesus/God.


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