This just in:
Jesus Junk International in conjunction with the Beeman R. Eyes Council on Covert Sin bring you a modern marvel from the lab. The brainchild of these two powerhouse Christian entities is a topical cosmetic product sure to alleviate your guilt and cause you to appear more holy. Take a look at this promotional spot soon to be airing on radio and TV stations worldwide:
Have you ever dragged yourself from the bed in the morning and staggered into the bathroom, only to peer into the mirror horrified? It’s not the pipe bomb that apparently had been stashed somewhere in your coiffure during the night. It’s not the military-grade duffels lodged conspicuously under your peepers. No, you’ve got ugly sin blotches all over your face and neck.
You steal a glance at the clock and realize that last night’s foray into the world of “free grace” has caused you to sleep through the alarm clock. You’ve got a scant few minutes to rectify the problem. What do you do? There’s no time to bathe this sin in prayer. The rhythmical click of your timepiece tormentor confirms that washing in the blood of your Savior at this late hour is impossible. Clearly you can’t just waltz into THE First Mega Apostles Assembly of the Friendly Seekers Super Cell Group Church with your face looking like the backside of a baboon from National Geographic. You reach for the CoverAll.
CoverAll is a hypoallergenic product made from plant extracts found trapped in layers of the Dead Sea Scrolls. The unique properties of CoverAll allow it to mask the unsightly striations and discolorations on the skin that are usually associated with unrepented sin. The effects of CoverAll, like many cosmetic products, begin to deteriorate after only a few hours. This should be a sufficient duration to camouflage even the most heinous of offenses till church and the requisite buffet meal afterwards are completed.
There are some side effects you should be aware of. Many experience a temporary relief from guilt. An added benefit to be sure. Some of the negative side effects include but are not limited to nausea and vomiting from anxiety that someone will find out about your sin. Uncontrollable fits of sarcasm-laced rage at those whom you perceive are able to see through the façade. And last, but certainly not least—The Second Death. It has been determined that prolonged use of CoverAll will result in eternal damnation of your soul. CoverAll is meant to be a quick fix not a lifestyle choice.
Finally, don’t feel left out fellas. CoverAll is for everyone, not just the ladies and the metros among us. It comes in a variety of colors and textures to fit almost any situation. For example, the manly man may choose dark brown with a hint of grit. Using this on his hands and face, he can fool his wife into thinking that for the last 3 hours he was changing the oil in the car.
Couple your order of CoverAll with the purchase of a Jesus Jacket and get the Ultimate Concealment Combo discount. Use CoverAll in combination with the Jesus Jacket and even Jerome, the Section B usher where you sit every week, won’t be able to tell you’ve been tainted.
Act now and receive a 20% discount on your next visit to Construct-A-Christ to update your Lord. Jesus walked around 2000 years ago, so surely He needs an update to make Him relevant today.
Jesus Junk International products are only available on the Rambling with the Barba blog site. Our advertising affiliation with a popular Christian broadcast network was severed after an expose’ aired revealing that many of the on-air personalities made liberal use of JJI products.
But the LORD told him, “Samuel, don’t think Eliab is the one just because he’s tall and handsome. He isn’t the one I’ve chosen. People judge others by what they look like, but I judge people by what is in their hearts.” I Samuel 16:7
Are you trying to use CoverAll on your heart? Do you catch yourself covering it up instead of giving it up sometimes?